Thoughts on Jewish Marriage (by a non-traditional Christian!)

After reading so many of the traditions and customs of the Jewish people, the one that stood out most in my mind was the attention given to marriage – particularly the nurturing and support of the marital relationship from the moment the couple are wed.   

            In the Christian tradition – particularly Catholicism which was the religion of my youth – much thought is given to the time before marriage.  We are taught from childhood that the main purpose of sex is procreation and that pre-marital sex is a sin. There is encouragement to be fruitful and multiply after marriage, yet it seems the church would still prefer to avoid the issue of sex.   Paul taught that abstinence was a holy experience – one that spouses should strive for!  

            As far as Christian marriage, there are preparatory classes to ensure the couple is ready to wed.  The ceremony is planned out in great detail, and church weddings are a must.  The couple must make their vows before God in order for the marriage to be “recognized” as legitimate by the church.  After the wedding however, the couple is on their own.  Little attention is given to the state of the marriage – and there is no tradition or custom to encourage a strong union.  Speaking as someone who has been married 20 years, a religion which helps keep a couple focused on one another is very appealing.

            I loved reading about the tradition of yikhud after a wedding ceremony.  The bride and groom are locked in a room together to finalize their commitment to each other – body as well as soul.  In all the Christian weddings I’ve been involved in, the couple leaves the church and immediately starts taking pictures and goes to the reception.  I found it very touching that yikhud is such an important part of the Jewish wedding custom.  I would have loved to have that time alone with my husband after we said our vows, rather than be whisked off to the party and picture-taking.  To be close to one another, talk and think about what we just entered into together – and celebrate it alone – that is something I would have cherished.

            I was also very intrigued by the Ketuba, and the laws designed not only to protect the wife, but to encourage continued support and love between the couple.  It appears a great deal of thought was given to ensure the couple has marital relations.  And I was fascinated to note that relations between husband and wife are such an integral part of Sabbath observance.  It is a beautiful notion to me that the physical expression of love between husband and wife is part of the Sabbath observance honoring God.  Again, this is quite the contrast with many Christian teachings where abstinence is a way to honor God – even in marriage.

            Finally, I was struck by the laws of purity and how they relate to marriage.   I find the idea of a woman in menses being deemed “impure” completely misogynistic, (although I understand it’s part translation problems and part ancient practice.)  Yet, I was touched by the more modern notion of the days of menses being a time for spouses to long for one another.  Rabbi Joseph Telushkin writes, “…the prohibition of sexual relations for 12 successive days each month leaves a couple hungering for each other, even after many years of marriage.” He adds, “The Talmud recognized the rejuvenating effect the laws of separation can have on marriage.”  Telushkin, (quoting Niddah 31b) writes, “The husband becomes over-familiar with his wife and tires of her.  Thus the Torah prohibited her to him for certain days each month so that she may remain as beloved to him as she was on her wedding day.”   The fact that Jewish law addresses   a husband and wife staying as beloved to one another as the day they were married (let alone in such detail), is a clear indication that Jewish custom encourages and supports the marriage bond.  This is more than any Christian/Catholic doctrine has ever addressed.  I know that not all Jewish marriages endure forever, but perhaps more Christian marriages would last longer if concern extended beyond the wedding.  I love this part of the Jewish tradition!